A LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE

(PART 1)

You crossed my mind today! It was a passing thought and it dug deep. I wished for another dance, another walk (yes☺, I did listen to Luther Vandross). I missed you lifting me up in your arms and retaking that photo that we took when I was seven.

Only that this time, it will look  much better; you see, I’m a grown lady whose current challenge is contouring her face. I missed those Sunday outings when I could wear my Sunday best dress and we could go eat Nyamachoma. You would allow me to drink two bottles of Fanta; Oh how I loved eating that grilled meat! 

You see, I spent most of my days happy because I knew and felt that you loved me. I would smile the whole day especially after receiving my end-of-term exam results. I knew that you would tell everyone how brilliant I was. This happened only until free primary Education was introduced (thanks to Mwai Kibaki ☹). My grades started deteriorating due to the fact that there was a huge gap in the ratio of teachers to students.

I got a lot of “love” when I got good grades, when I voluntarily polished my shoes, or when I deep fried those breakfast sausages, just like you wanted them. Love flowed freely when you had a great day at work and your tenants paid their dues on time. I remember those nights so vividly…I was even allowed to hang on your shoulders no matter how tired you were. Oh, yeah! Even on some occasions, you would lift my elder sister; Njeri and I at the same time. “My dad is stronger than John Cena!” You could hear me brag to my friends the next day and no one would tell me otherwise!!

Today I wished that I could take you out. Take you out to my best joint, “What’s beef”, and make you taste their hamburger and sweet potato fries just to make you realize that your hard work was not in vain. That you raised a lady who works hard and puts her heart in everything she does. I also would have loved to make you taste those spare-ribs from the Louisiana restaurant but since you grill the best ribs, I would have spared you the torture.

Speaking of Louisiana, I would have loved to call you and tell you about this guy who took me there on a date. I felt so special because he was so handsome and well mannered. To avoid gazing into his eyes like a child who saw an icecream truck, I diverted my eyes to the walls and the floor. Boy, was I so smitten! Just his laugh got me fantasizing of a house and kids with him. I was flying high in my fantasies….. until the waiter brought the spare ribs. The aroma from those ribs brought a girl back to earth; specifically to this table. 

Dad, I devoured those ribs! I don’t remember using cutlery. In fact, I don’t even remember using my fingertips. I think I dug in with my palms. As Baby Jo, my editor would say, “it was palm licking good”! I think I lost myself and started eating them like I used to when I was 10…remember when we  used to go on those Mai-Mahiu road trips? Yap, the same exact way! At this point, the poor guy thought that I went there just for the ribs, which was not entirely false. I mean who suggests going on a date, to a place they don’t like? Definitely not me. Long story short, I am still single ☺ . Trust me though, those ribs are worth losing a guy over.

“Personally speaking, I would say ribs over guys 😉”

I would love to take you there, I’m sure we would have had a good day since we have not seen each other for years. I am sure that there would be so much to share. I would have loved to tell you how life has been for me  in Germany. The 11^th of February this year marked the 9^th year here and it’s crazy because most of those years feel like they didn’t happen.

I do remember being an Au-pair, doing my voluntary social year and the start of my training. A lot of darkness engulfed me in the years that followed. Maybe it’s because those three years were one of the hardest in my life. From moving places countless times, accumulating debt because of not being able to afford anything, to other really dark ordeals. Despite all this, I wouldn’t overwhelm you with all these stories at once. I would like to hear yours too. 

Are they better than we were? Did you find what you were looking for? Are you happy? How different is she from mum? What about her made you rather be with her than with mum? How is it being a new dad? Do you also change her diapers like you used to do with Jimmy, your 14-year-old? (Okay, maybe I kind-of stalked you).

Either way, is it any different? When you look at her crawling, do you remember that you have others that are learning to soar? To soar in their careers, in their own families and trying their best to get into the best secondary schools? Do you ever get curious how they are doing? Do you ever feel like picking up your phone and asking how they are doing? Or even responding to the messages that I sent you a couple of months ago?

TO BE CONTINUED……