A LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE

(Part 2)

You see dad, you were my first love! You were also my first heartbreak! You broke my heart before I even fell in love. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you go with your mother? Follow your mother!” I still remember you uttering these words of rejection so blatantly. The ease with which these words left your mouth cut deeply through my heart. 

The same heart that was glad that I was left with you. Should I have even been given the chance to choose, I would have chosen you. I mean, why not? We enjoyed each other’s company. I knew all your likes and dislikes. I could have been able to take care of the house. I had just finished my secondary school studies and was going to be home for some time before commencing with university or college. Even then, we could have gotten a house help to take care of the house chores.

Facing rejection at such a crucial age, especially  from you, left a wound so deep that I still see. I still feel the pain till today.  I do understand that so much time has passed that I should have healed by now. However, like my friend and blogger (Maame) once mentioned, “Healing is a Process”. Trust me, I have been working on it.

There are days I sat on the edge of my bed and cried out loud, asking “why?”. I remember one specific moment when I was in so much pain that I had to press my hand to my chest  hoping it  would stop the pain. I could not understand why you would do that. I mean what criteria did you use to reject me? Did you use any whatsoever?

I am sure these are questions that I will never get answers to. I am still awaiting your reply to a simple “how are you dad” text. I don’t imagine you answering these questions. Then again, it’s okay. On the same night I mentioned above, something beautiful happened. You see, I had hit rock bottom and the world felt like a really, really dark place.

Most days, I would just sit in bed and fantasize about taking a walk in the night so as to get swallowed up by the darkness. A lot of things did not make sense: religion, relationships, friendships, education you name it. They were all blurry. I decided to explore my relationship with God, just to get to know Him personally.

This was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

On this particular night, I sat on the edge of my bed in total darkness. I burst into tears and sobbed as I prayed.  I felt a really sharp pain in my heart that came from a place in me I never knew existed. With tears on my face, I rocked myself and uttered under my breath “All I wanted was for you to choose me”.

In that moment God exchanged my pain, with compassion for you. He made me understand that we are both his children and we are both hurting. The only way forward was if I forgave you and let go; of the pain, resentment and the blame I put on you. He comforted me and I trusted him as my father. “Dear God, forgive him. He did not know what he was doing nor the impact his actions have had in my life.” Even without you asking for forgiveness, I forgave you. I freed myself.

Since then, I have been learning to walk freely. Free from the fear of rejection and commitment. Truth be told, more than once I have found myself running away before anyone chases me. Often; 

I run when people welcome me, 

I feel like a burden when cared for, 

I doubt when shown love,

I shrink at the slightest misunderstanding,

I just can’t receive, I always want to give back. 

…I mean, how can I just take without giving back? Isn’t that giving away some of my power? Won’t they use that against me? Don’t we have to be equal when it comes to sharing love? I understood love came at a cost and I always had to pay a certain price; good grades, jovial dad; fried sausages, afternoon out; polish your shoes, compliment. Sometimes love is scary for me; as it means that I will be betrayed and rejected at the end of the day. I am still learning. I have a long way to go and I am glad that I am on this path.

My heart is much lighter when I think of you now. Despite your reasons, losing a family is hard. Therefore I pray;  I pray that you experience forgiveness, freedom and comfort; I pray that God helps you find peace in all  this. I also hope that you are enjoying your life because as we millenials say YOLO.  If we should ever meet on this side of life, I would still like to treat you to some ribs, as I read you this letter with both tears and a smile on my face.

I would still embrace you dad…as we figure out how to go about our new relationship. Until then…